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Re-reading old work

by D. on 6 July, 2005 at 14:16

One of the great things about doing new projects with old material is that you stop and look at all the old material that’s been settling in a cardboard box for the last five or fifteen years.

The worst trade paperback I have ever seen was a hundred fifty page epic about a superhero using the bathroom. Some hopeful artist had pieced it together on what I can only hope were paper napkins. My review letter went something like, “We are sorry, but our schedule does not have an opening for a project of this type at this time. Thank you for your interest in (insert comic publisher here).” I had wanted to draft a ten thousand word response in the same style and tone as the ashcan I had just read. I didn’t, because I could not bring myself to torture another human being as cruelly as the hopeful author would have inflicted on the world. If you are a UN Weapons inspector, you can find the most powerful psychology based weapon of mass destruction ever devised locked in the bottom drawer of a filing cabinet in an office in Quincy. Be careful, though, I rigged it with a fire bomb set to incinerate the manuscript should anyone attempt to publish it.

The second worst trade paperback I have ever read was the one I wrote and later confined to a dark brown cardboard box. The art was terrible, the story reads like instructions for a pack of toothpicks, and every copy of the twenty five unit print run was colored by hand. If I were to receive it in the mail today, I would have written a rejection letter that reads something like, “We are sorry, but our schedule does not have an opening for a project of this type at this time. Thank you for your interest in (insert comic publisher here)… PS What the hell were you thinking?”

I imagine my past self’s answer to my present self would have been “you just don’t know how brilliant I am!”

I am serious, though. It sucked worse than the movie version of Sum of All Fears.

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Speaking of weapons for your desk.

by Marc on 5 July, 2005 at 20:22

A properly equipped office arsenal is a very important aspect of minion control at work.

My projectile weapon of choice is the Nerf N-Strike Pistol, capable of rapidly firing six Nerf darts with considerable accuracy and speed, simply brandishing this weapon has sent many a minion scrambling or ducking for cover. The satisfying THWACK that is heard upon successfully shooting one’s minions in the face is priceless. (I do recommend carrying two of the N-Strikes, particularly if one’s minions are similarly armed.)

Another weapon you may want to consider is perfect for that perilous walk to the bathroom, I like to call it the: “John Wilkes Booth Special”. This pump action pistol is small and easily concealed in your pants pocket. The “JWBS” is also handy for point blank assassination shots when one’s co-workers are deep in thought and totally unaware you are lurking behind them.

For serious cubicle and/or office defense larger and more powerful weapons may be required. If you are like me, you may often find yourself out numbered and surrounded by your rebellious minions. Under such siege like circumstances, I recommend maintaining a cache of X-Stream Missile Launchers. These formidable missiles are capable of inflicting mild bruises and almost visible red welts on even the most nimble and obstinate minion.

Guns Guns Guns

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Why I’m voting for President Huffman…

by D. on 4 July, 2005 at 20:17

Sure Ike can win a war. Heck I even trust him to drop a couple of EZ NukesTM. But seriously, his best redeming feature is his barbeque? Is that really what we should have in a President?

Besides, Huffman is all about keeping the Furons under wraps. People really shouldn’t be aware of the vanguard of an invading alien race.

If you are crossing your eyes about now, then you probably haven’t played Destroy All Humans.

Another game from Pandemic (Mercenaries: Playgound of Destruction and Star Wars: Battlefront). They really got this right. If you like being the bad guy in a Mars Attacks, fifties style flying saucer special, then this is the game for you.

I especially like the Zap-O-Matic.

If only I had one, you know in my desk at work.

└ Tags: reveiws, Video Games
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Saw “The Pacifier”…

by D. on 4 July, 2005 at 06:34

I never realized that Navy SEALs are so tough that they don’t use guns…

Ever. Not even when faced off against four machine pistol toting thugs on jet skiis, and six more on the boat, holding the professor hostage.

Cool looking, beeping red-lighted, hockey-puck like throw bombs, sure… but guns?

Aparently Disney thought the idea of showing Elite US Military Personnel using guns would demean the SEALs too much. The cops at the end, on the other hand, are ready and eager to draw down on a mini-van full of minors.

WTF, mates?

└ Tags: Movies, Reviews
Comments Off on Saw “The Pacifier”…
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